How to Use a Sex Menu: A Beginner's Guide

The Most Underrated Tool in Your Relationship

Here's a question that might surprise you: what if the best thing you could do for your sex life isn't a new technique, a weekend getaway, or a bottle of wine — but a menu?

A sex menu (sometimes called an intimacy menu or desire menu) is exactly what it sounds like. It's a structured list of intimate activities that you and your partner each fill out independently, then compare to find your overlap. Think of it as a restaurant menu — but instead of appetizers and entrees, you're browsing through different forms of touch, connection, play, and pleasure.

And yet, despite being recommended by sex therapists for decades, most couples have never heard of one. That's a shame, because learning how to use a sex menu can transform your intimate life in ways that no amount of guessing, hinting, or hoping ever could.

If you've already read our guide on what a sex menu is, you know the basics. This article goes deeper. We're going to walk you through exactly how to use one — step by step, mistake by mistake, course by course — so that you and your partner can start exploring together with confidence, curiosity, and zero awkwardness.

Well, maybe a little awkwardness. That's part of the fun.

What Exactly Is a Sex Menu?

Before we dive into the how, let's make sure we're on the same page about the what. A sex menu is a communication tool — not a to-do list, not a performance contract, and definitely not a test. It's a structured way for two people to express what they're curious about, what they enjoy, and what they'd rather skip — all without the pressure of a face-to-face conversation where someone has to go first.

The most common format is the yes/no/maybe list, where each partner independently rates their interest in various activities. "Yes" means you're enthusiastic. "No" means it's not for you (at least right now). "Maybe" means you're curious but want to talk about it first. If you'd like a deep dive into that format specifically, check out our guide on how to create a yes/no/maybe list.

What makes a sex menu different from just... talking about it? Structure. Privacy. And the removal of what psychologists call demand characteristics — the subtle pressure to perform, agree, or reciprocate when you're looking someone in the eye. When you fill out a menu independently, you're free to be completely honest. Your partner never sees your "no" answers. Only the places where you both said yes (or maybe) get revealed.

Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, whose research on optimal sexual experiences at the University of Ottawa has shaped modern sex therapy, puts it this way: the couples who report the most fulfilling sex lives aren't doing anything particularly exotic — they're the ones who've learned to communicate openly about desire without fear of judgment [1]. A sex menu is a tool designed to make that kind of communication possible, even for couples who find it difficult to talk about sex at all.

Why Sex Menus Work: The Psychology Behind Structured Exploration

You might be wondering — does this actually work, or is it just another trendy self-help gimmick? The short answer: the research is on your side.

There are several psychological mechanisms that make a sex menu for couples remarkably effective, and they all overlap with what relationship science has been telling us for years.

Removing the vulnerability tax. Talking about sexual desires is inherently vulnerable. You're exposing parts of yourself that you might not share with anyone else on earth. Dr. Justin Lehmiller's research on sexual fantasies — drawn from the largest survey of its kind, involving over 4,000 participants — found that the number one reason people don't share their desires with a partner is fear of being judged [2]. A sex menu sidesteps this by making the process anonymous until overlap is found. You never have to "confess" something your partner doesn't share.

Leveraging the power of structured communication. Dr. John Gottman's decades of research at the Love Lab have shown that how couples communicate matters far more than what they communicate about [3]. Structured tools — checklists, prompts, guided conversations — reduce the chance of what Gottman calls "flooding," where one or both partners become emotionally overwhelmed. A sex menu provides that structure naturally.

Tapping into responsive desire. Emily Nagoski's groundbreaking work in Come As You Are introduced millions of people to the concept of responsive versus spontaneous desire [4]. Many people (especially — though not exclusively — women) don't experience desire as a sudden lightning bolt. Instead, their desire responds to the right context, the right invitation, the right cue. A sex menu is essentially a collection of invitations. Browsing through it can activate desire that wouldn't have surfaced otherwise.

Creating a growth mindset for intimacy. When couples approach their sex life as something fixed ("we're just not that compatible") versus something they can explore and develop together, everything changes. Research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior has shown that couples who actively discuss and explore new intimate activities report higher satisfaction — not just sexually, but in the relationship overall [5].

Step-by-Step: How to Use a Sex Menu with Your Partner

Alright — let's get practical. Here's exactly how to use a sex menu, whether you're doing this for the first time or the fiftieth.

Step 1: Choose Your Format

You have three main options:

Paper. Print out a list, grab two pens, and fill it out at the kitchen table (or anywhere that feels comfortable). This is great for a low-tech, tactile experience — but it does mean you'll need to compare answers manually, and there's always the risk of peeking.

DIY digital. Create a shared spreadsheet or use a PDF template. Each partner fills out their column, then you reveal the results together. It works, but it's clunky, and there's no built-in privacy protection.

A dedicated app. This is where tools like Cohesa come in. Cohesa offers 40+ activities across 7 courses — from Starters to Dessert — in a Tinder-style swipe format. You both answer independently on your own phones, and only mutual interests are revealed. No peeking, no pressure, no spreadsheets. It's the difference between cooking from scratch and having a chef-designed tasting menu delivered to your door.

Whichever format you choose, the key is that both partners fill it out independently. That's non-negotiable. The privacy is what makes it safe.

Step 2: Fill It Out Independently

This is the most important step — and the one people most often skip or rush through. Each partner should take their time browsing through the menu on their own. No peeking at each other's answers. No discussing items as you go. No "Oh, what did you put for that one?"

Set aside 15-20 minutes of quiet time. Maybe do it in different rooms, or at different times of the day. Some couples like to fill out their menus during a lunch break, on a commute, or right before bed. The point is: give yourself the mental space to be honest.

As you go through each item, check in with yourself. Does this sound fun? Scary? Intriguing? Something you've always wanted to try but never had the words for? Don't overthink it. Your first instinct is usually the truest one. And remember — "maybe" is a perfectly valid answer. It doesn't mean you're committing to anything. It means you're open to a conversation.

Step 3: Compare and Find Your Overlap

This is the moment of truth — and if you're using a well-designed tool, it's also the most exciting part. You sit down together and reveal only the items where you both said "yes" or "maybe."

If you're using Cohesa, this happens automatically. The app generates your shared menu — a beautiful, color-coded result that shows your mutual interests at a glance. You can even export it as a PDF to revisit later (or gift to your partner as a playful date-night surprise).

If you're doing this on paper, one partner can read out the items while the other confirms whether they also marked "yes" or "maybe." The important thing is that "no" answers stay private. If Partner A said "no" to something and Partner B said "yes," neither of them needs to know. That's the whole point.

What you'll likely find is surprising. Most couples discover more overlap than they expected. Research by Dr. Justin Lehmiller found that partners' sexual interests overlap by about 60-70% — far more than most people assume [2]. The menu just makes that overlap visible.

Step 4: Start with What Excites You Both

Now that you have your shared menu, don't try to tackle everything at once. Pick one or two items that light you both up — the ones where you both said an enthusiastic "yes" — and start there.

Think of it like a real restaurant meal. You don't order every item on the menu in a single sitting. You pick what sounds most appealing right now, savor it, and come back next time for something different.

Have a brief conversation about the items you've chosen. What excites you about them? Is there anything you'd want to adjust or customize? What would make the experience even better? This conversation doesn't have to be long or formal — it can happen over dinner, in bed, or during a walk. The sex menu has already done the hard work of identifying the topic. Now you just need to add the details.

Step 5: Revisit and Update Regularly

A sex menu isn't a one-and-done exercise. Your desires evolve. What was a "maybe" six months ago might be a "yes" now. What was a "yes" might have shifted to "not right now." Seasons change, stress levels change, bodies change, curiosity changes.

The most sexually fulfilled couples aren't the ones who figured everything out once and then stuck with the script forever. They're the ones who keep the conversation going. Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, argues that eroticism requires ongoing novelty, mystery, and curiosity — even (especially) in committed relationships [6]. Revisiting your sex menu every few months is one of the simplest ways to keep that alive.

Set a recurring date — maybe quarterly, maybe twice a year — to go through the menu again together. You might be surprised by how much has changed.

The 7 Courses of a Sex Menu

One of the things that makes a sex menu more useful than a random checklist is organization. Just like a restaurant menu is divided into courses, a good sex menu groups activities into categories that flow naturally from less intense to more intimate.

Here's a framework that works beautifully — and it's the exact structure used by Cohesa, which organizes 40+ activities across 7 courses:

Starters are low-stakes, high-warmth activities. They're the foundation — the kind of everyday affection that Dr. Gottman describes as "turning toward" your partner's bids for connection [3]. Things like holding hands during a movie, leaving a flirty note, or giving a genuine compliment about something specific.

Appetizers raise the temperature. Sensual massage, extended kissing, showering together, slowly undressing each other. These activities build anticipation and get your body and mind in sync.

Mains are what most people think of when they hear "sex menu" — the core intimate activities. But even within this category, there's a huge range. The beauty of a menu is that it helps you be specific about what kinds of mains you both enjoy, rather than defaulting to a script.

Sides are the enhancements that turn a good experience into a memorable one. Music, candles, oils, toys, specific outfits — the atmosphere and accessories. These are easy wins that many couples never discuss.

Specials are where you venture into fantasy territory. Role-play, new locations, spontaneous encounters, exploring something you've read or seen that intrigued you. Not every couple will have items here, and that's perfectly fine. But you might be surprised.

Drinks represent emotional intimacy — the kind of connection that deepens your bond outside the physical. Love letters, deep late-night conversations, eye contact exercises, expressing vulnerability. Research consistently shows that emotional intimacy is the foundation of great physical intimacy [1].

Dessert is aftercare — what happens after. Cuddling, pillow talk, sharing what you loved about the experience, talking about what you'd like to try next time. This course is vastly underrated, and it's where some of the deepest bonding happens.

Hearing It from an Expert

Before we continue, here's a powerful TEDx talk by Julie Harris on why we need to have these conversations about sexual desires — and what happens when we don't. It perfectly captures why a structured tool like a sex menu can be life-changing for couples:

Harris makes a compelling point that resonates deeply with the sex menu approach: when we create safe, structured spaces for these conversations, we don't just improve our sex lives — we improve our entire relationships.

Common Mistakes Couples Make with Sex Menus

After working with hundreds of couples, therapists consistently see the same pitfalls. Here's what to watch out for — and how to do it better.

Mistake 1: Filling It Out Together

This is the biggest one. If you sit side by side and fill out the menu at the same time, you're not getting honest answers — you're getting influenced answers. One partner sees the other hesitate on an item and changes their own response. One partner says "Oh, that sounds fun!" and the other feels pressure to agree. The whole point of a sex menu is that it removes social pressure. Filling it out together defeats the purpose entirely.

Fix: Always, always fill it out separately. Different rooms. Different times. If you're using an app like Cohesa, this happens naturally — each partner has their own private experience, and the matching happens automatically.

Mistake 2: Treating "Maybe" as "No"

A "maybe" is not a polite rejection. It's an invitation to talk. Many of the most exciting discoveries couples make come from the "maybe" zone — activities that one or both partners are curious about but haven't fully explored in their minds yet. When you treat "maybe" as a conversation starter rather than a conversation ender, you open up a world of possibility.

Fix: After reviewing your shared results, set aside specific time to discuss any "maybe" matches. Ask questions like: "What about this one intrigues you?" or "What would make you feel comfortable trying this?" or "Is there a version of this that would work for both of us?"

Mistake 3: Trying Everything at Once

Enthusiasm is wonderful, but overwhelming your partner (or yourself) with a 20-item to-do list is a recipe for anxiety, not pleasure. The goal isn't to check off boxes. It's to savor the exploration.

Fix: Pick one or two items to start with. Give yourselves time to enjoy them, reflect on them, and build on them before adding more. Think marathon, not sprint.

Mistake 4: Making It a One-Time Thing

The most common reason sex menus "don't work" is that couples use them once and never revisit. But desire is fluid. What was a "no" a year ago might be a "yes" now. What was exciting last summer might feel routine today. The menu should evolve with you.

Fix: Revisit your menu at least twice a year. Some couples like to make it a date night tradition — open a bottle of wine, update your menus, and see what's changed. It's a surprisingly fun ritual.

Mistake 5: Comparing Quantity Instead of Quality

If your partner's menu has 15 "yes" answers and yours has 5, that's not a problem. It doesn't mean you're less adventurous, less attracted, or less invested. People have different baselines, different comfort zones, and different relationships with novelty. What matters isn't how many items are on each individual menu — it's how many items are on your shared menu.

Fix: Focus on the overlap. Celebrate what you have in common. Even three or four shared items give you months of exploration.

How to Handle Mismatches

Let's talk about the elephant in the room: what happens when your menus don't align?

First — take a breath. Mismatches are normal. They're universal, actually. No two people on earth have identical desire profiles, and pretending otherwise would be dishonest. The question isn't whether you'll have mismatches. The question is how you handle them.

Mismatches you'll never see. If you're using a privacy-first approach (paper with separate reveals, or an app like Cohesa where only mutual interests are shown), then most mismatches are invisible. Partner A said "yes" to something Partner B said "no" to? Neither of them knows. No awkwardness, no rejection, no hurt feelings. This is by design — and it's one of the most important features of a well-built sex menu.

The "maybe" bridge. When one partner says "yes" and the other says "maybe," that's not a mismatch — it's a conversation. These are some of the most productive moments in the entire process. The "yes" partner can share what excites them about the activity. The "maybe" partner can share what holds them back. Together, you might find a version of the activity that works for both of you, or you might decide to table it and revisit later. Both outcomes are perfectly fine.

When you have very little overlap. This is rarer than you might think, but it does happen. If your shared menu is nearly empty, don't panic. It might mean you need a more comprehensive menu — one with more categories and more activities to choose from. It might mean one or both partners were being extra cautious on their first try and would feel more comfortable being honest after seeing how the process works. Or it might point to a deeper conversation worth having — possibly with the help of a therapist — about what each of you needs to feel desired and fulfilled. For more on navigating these differences, our guide on how to talk to your partner about sexual needs is a great place to start.

The science supports this approach. Dr. Gottman's research found that relationship satisfaction is less about having identical preferences and more about how couples navigate their differences — what he calls "perpetual problems" versus "solvable problems" [3]. A sex menu turns vague, intimidating perpetual problems into concrete, solvable conversations.

Sex Menus for Different Relationship Stages

A sex menu isn't just for one type of couple. It adapts to wherever you are in your relationship — and it serves a different purpose at each stage.

New Couples (0-2 Years)

You're still learning each other's bodies, preferences, and boundaries. Everything is exciting, but there's also a lot of assumption and guesswork. A sex menu shortcuts the discovery process in the best way. Instead of spending months hinting, hoping, and decoding signals, you get a clear picture of your shared interests in about 20 minutes.

For new couples, the menu is also a powerful compatibility signal. Not because you need to match on everything — but because the willingness to do it at all says something important about how you approach communication, vulnerability, and growth. If your partner enthusiastically says "let's try this," that tells you a lot about the kind of relationship you're building together. For more on this, explore our sexual compatibility quiz guide.

Established Couples (2-10 Years)

This is where sex menus shine brightest. You know each other well. You've developed routines. And — let's be honest — some of those routines have gotten a little predictable. The sex menu re-introduces curiosity into a relationship that might have started to feel like it's running on autopilot.

Esther Perel writes beautifully about this tension between security and desire: "Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery" [6]. A sex menu provides just enough mystery — the thrill of discovering something new about a person you thought you already knew completely.

Long-Term Couples Rekindling Connection

If your intimate life has slowed down significantly — due to stress, children, health changes, or simply the drift of time — a sex menu can feel like a bridge back to each other. It doesn't require you to have a big, heavy "we need to talk about our sex life" conversation. Instead, it's light, structured, even playful. You're filling out a menu. It's almost... fun.

For couples in this stage, starting with the Starters and Appetizers courses is often the right move. Don't jump straight to the Specials. Rebuild the foundation of touch, affection, and emotional connection first — and let the rest follow naturally. Our article on the science behind why sex menus work explores the research behind this gradual approach.

Beyond the Menu: Keeping the Momentum Going

Using a sex menu isn't an end point — it's a beginning. Once you've gone through the process, you've built a skill that transfers to every other area of your relationship: the ability to talk about what you want without fear, listen without judgment, and explore without pressure.

Here are some ways to keep that momentum alive:

Schedule menu review nights. Every few months, pull out your menu and update it. Make it a ritual — dinner, a glass of something you enjoy, and 20 minutes with your menu. Cohesa's menu feature lets you export your shared menu as a beautiful PDF — perfect for a date-night surprise or a keepsake of your journey together.

Use the menu as a conversation starter. Even outside of the formal menu process, the categories and activities give you a shared vocabulary. "I've been thinking about something from our Specials list" is a lot easier to say than starting from scratch. For more on building this vocabulary, check out our guide on talking about sexual fantasies.

Layer in new activities. As you get comfortable with what's on your shared menu, start looking at the "maybe" items. Revisit activities that one of you was curious about. Explore whether today's you feels differently than last month's you.

Celebrate your shared menu. Seriously — treat it like the treasure it is. This is a document of what you and your partner both want. That's rare and beautiful. Don't take it for granted.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is a sex menu the same as a yes/no/maybe list?

They're closely related. A yes/no/maybe list is one format for a sex menu — probably the most popular one. But a sex menu can be more structured than a simple checklist. Cohesa's version, for example, organizes activities into courses, uses a swipe-based interface, and includes 180+ questions that go beyond physical activities into emotional intimacy, atmosphere, and timing. Think of the yes/no/maybe list as a basic tool and the sex menu as the full experience.

What if my partner doesn't want to try this?

Start by explaining what it is — and what it isn't. A sex menu isn't a demand, a test, or a judgment on your current sex life. It's a fun, low-pressure way to learn more about each other. Frame it as curiosity, not criticism. You might say something like: "I found this thing that could be fun for us. It's like a quiz we each take privately, and then we see where we overlap. Want to try it?" If they're still hesitant, offer to read through a few items together first so they can see the tone and scope. And if they're not ready, respect that — and maybe revisit the idea in a few months.

How often should we update our sex menu?

There's no rigid rule, but most therapists recommend revisiting it every 3-6 months. Major life transitions — a new job, a move, having a baby, recovering from illness — are also natural moments to update. The important thing is that the menu stays alive as a tool, not gathering dust as a relic of that one time you tried something new.

Can we use a sex menu if we're in a long-distance relationship?

Absolutely — and in some ways, it's even more valuable. Long-distance couples often struggle with how to maintain sexual connection when they're apart. Filling out a sex menu independently (each on your own phone, using something like Cohesa) gives you something concrete to look forward to, discuss over video calls, and plan for your next time together. It turns "I miss you" into "Here's what I can't wait to do with you."

Your Next Step

You've read this far, which means you're not just curious — you're ready. The next step is simple: pick a format, sit down with your menu, and start exploring. You don't need to be a sex therapist to use a sex menu. You don't need to be an expert communicator. You just need to be willing to show up, be honest, and treat your partner's answers with the same respect you'd want for your own.

If you want a streamlined, private, beautifully designed way to do this, Cohesa was built for exactly this moment. Forty-plus activities. Seven courses. A Tinder-style swipe format. Automatic matching. PDF export. And the peace of mind that comes from knowing your private answers stay private.

Your sex menu is waiting. The only question is: what will you order first?

References

1. Kleinplatz, P. J., Menard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., et al. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex." Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.

2. Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Da Capo Press.

3. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (revised edition). Harmony Books.

4. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.

5. Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national U.S. study. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186-201.

6. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper.

7. Mark, K. P., & Jozkowski, K. N. (2013). The mediating role of sexual and nonsexual communication between relationship and sexual satisfaction in a sample of college-age heterosexual couples. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 39(5), 410-427.

Start your journey